| Did You Know? |
“Four out of five men who want to meet you, won’t make a move,” according to interviews conducted by Kathy Schwadel, relation-ship coach and author of Grab Your Tiger: How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of Their Dreams. She spoke with 500 males between the ages of 25 and 60 and found the top three reasons men freeze in the presence of a desirable woman:
1. Fear of rejection— particularly by today’s independent, seemingly self-sufficient females.
2. The sense that she is out of their league.
3. The assumption that she must already be involved.
The news gets worse:
According to social scientist Richard Bandler, over 75% of the men he tested fail to recognize a woman's flirting signals!
So what's a single woman in search of love to do?
STOP WAITING and make that first move herself! Ladies, this doesn't mean you have to ask him out. Learn how to flirt the right way--more about this in the book. Or come up with some cute ways to break the ice! |
Three Reasons to Initiate Contact
1. There's an untapped universe of fabulous men, too shy to approach you first. They range from heads of corporations to famous movie stars. Haven't you had enough of glib lotharios who approach females like it's a numbers game and end up breaking their hearts? How about walking over to a guy who doesn't hit on women for sport and who could use a little help breaking the ice.
2. Men are clueless, according to psychologists--and most women. You may think you’re giving off “I like you” vibes, but most of them need more. According to Dr. Monica Moore, a man needs to receive eight distinct flirtation gestures from you before he realizes that you’re interested.
3. Chances are you'll you want an equal voice in the relationship, so why not start out as an equal and take responsibility for your own romantic fate? Why is it still the man's job to initiate? Do something to get on his radar and you can find love sooner rather than later! |
EXCERPT from
Grab Your Tiger
“I struggled with the realization that this person, who had become my best friend, might never be anything more.”
Read a true story by Emily Dontsos, Totonto, Ontario, Canada
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“How is it that in the twenty-first century women have no problem chasing down everything from promotions to the perfect shoe, yet we blithely hand over power when it comes to matters of the heart?”
Kathy Schwadel
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Q. What does it mean when a woman keeps putting off meeting face to face? I met someone online 4 weeks ago and we really hit it off. She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met and I told her that I’ve been waiting a lifetime for someone with her looks and personality. This is her first online experience since her divorce 6 months ago. She and I have great phone conversations and I’m dying to take her out. Every time I suggest we meet for a drink, she has to work late. Yesterday, I invited her for Sunday brunch and she said she’s tied up the next two weeks because her best friend is coming into town and is staying with her. She swears she’s not married or involved with anyone and seems genuinely disappointed that we haven’t gotten together yet. I’m starting to feel like something is up, yet I don’t want to walk away. Any ideas?
A. Neither you nor I can be sure what’s going on with this woman. She may be interested in just the pursuit, she may have met someone she likes better or she may afraid of the whole idea of actually meeting a relative stranger in this manner; you did say it’s her first online experience. It could also be that, single for only six months, she may have ventured online to test the waters, and your comments about having waited a lifetime to meet someone like her, are scaring her. My suggestion is that you slow down. It’s easy to believe you’re getting close to someone after several dozen emails and phone calls, but, until you meet someone in person, you really know nothing about character and whether that person has the maturity to handle a relationship. To prevent idealizing, I think all online daters should meet sooner rather than later (that is, after a few emails and a phone call); the longer you wait, the greater the tendency to imbue the other person with qualities that may have no basis in fact. If she lives nearby, e-mail her and suggest that if she’s feeling shy about meeting, or just really tied up, you’d be open to saying a quick hello for now. If your schedule permits, inform her you’ll be at a local Starbucks reading the paper the next two Saturdays between 9 and 9:30 and you’ll have, say, a red scarf around your neck. Say you’d love it if she just stopped by to say hello and to reduce her first meeting jitters, say you have plans for the rest of the day. If she doesn’t show up, it’s time to move on. And going forward, protect your heart by holding your feelings—and assumptions in check until you actually meet in the flesh.
• • • • • • • • •
Need some help? If there's someone you’re dying to meet, and you have no clue how to get the ball rolling, email me at kathy@grabyourtiger.com and I’ll do my best to come up with a couple of strategies for you.
• • • • • • • • •
Meanwhile, simply making a comment about a cute stranger’s peculiar habit was all it took. Here’s how she got her guy, straight from the pages of Grab Your Tiger: How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of Their Dreams. |
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“Instead of letting him know how I felt, I waited until he fell in love with my best friend and married her."
Read how Jamie gets her guy. It's on page 197 of Grab Your Tiger: How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of Their Dreams.
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True or False?
Flirting with a guy is the best way for a woman to show interest in a man.
False. If flirting were a language, men would be illiterate.
No matter how obvious you think you are, most men still need a sign on your forehead that says 'Hi, I like you' before they will approach. We're talking about a decent guy here, not the jerks who hit on females for sport. Social Scientist Richard Bandler assembled a large group of men and women and asked each woman to pick a man from the group and to flirt with him. The result: Only one in four men realized he was being flirted with!
So if you're dead set on meeting that cute guy, and he's not budging, it's your cue to do something. Since Dr. Monica Moore, psychologist from Webster University in St. Louis found it takes at least eight separate flirting signals, done over and over again, aimed directly at a guy, before he he will even consider making a move, better start practicing. The exact moves that register as interest to a guy are in the pages of Grab Your Tiger. But there's no guarantee they'll work. What will? Walking over and starting a conversation.
If a guy can't figure out how to come over to me, he's 'just not that into me'.
False. The fact is, men have done a huge retreat, mostly in response to women's growing self-sufficiency. Four out of five heterosexual males say they won't engage an appealing female because they're uncomfortable about approaching, according to author and relationship coach Kathy Schwadel's interviews with 500 men ages 18-60. Here are some of the reasons: "Heck, I can't figure women out these days--They get mad when you hold a door open for them!" and "They compete for the same jobs as me at work--let them share the heavy lifting and risk rejection some of the time!"
Think of it this way: You want and expect complete equality once you're married to the guy. Why not start out that way?
He'll think I'm easy, or that I'm looking for sex, if I make the first move. Plus men get off on being the aggressors--you know, "Men love the chase."
False. Men think about sex every few seconds, so he's practically always there--mentally, anyway. Again, because of women's socioeconomic advances over the last several decades, men are no longer as confident about their role as aggressors (like they were back when your mom encouraged you to let him do the chasing).
A 2006 online poll of 10,000 men found that 93% of the men would love a little help from women to get the ball rolling. Five percent felt neutral about it and the remaining three percent are in a cave somewhere, braiding their nose hair. Men say they admire and respect a woman who is confident.
Bottom line: You can still be feminine and figure out a way to break the ice.
If I make the first move, he's going to expect me to be in control all the time and that's not the kind of relationship I want.
False. Studies by the Social Issues Research Center (SIRC) show that once in a relationship, people forget who did what and they quickly revert to their natural styles.
I'm average looking and my self esteem is shot. I'm not ready to go over to anyone. What's the point of flirting? There's always someone prettier nearby.
The best news of all is that don’t have to be the prettiest gal in the room to get your guy. Dr. Monica Moore found that
“men are more receptive to high-flirtation women who are average or even less than average-looking, than they are to women who are more attractive, but who emit fewer signals.” It’s not who’s most appealing, but who’s most inviting. This contradicts the prevailing view that women with the most symmetrical features will attract the most men. So, if a few extra pounds have you second-guessing yourself, don’t give up: Flirt your brains out and the curvaceous ice maiden standing a few feet away is toast.
Plus you’ll increase your chances of a successful hook-up, if you flirt with men who are on somewhat of the same attractiveness level as you. Studies of couples conducted by the SIRC indicate “most successful marriages and long-term relationships are between partners of equally good looks.”
But don’t shoot too low: “Over eighty percent of women have a poor body-image, and underestimate their attractiveness,” according to the SIRC, so they advise that females try flirting with some better-looking men.
Strong, aggressive guys rule--the dangerous kind--are my weakness. A shy guy who can't approach me first has got to be weak.
False. The smooth, sexy types, whose cockiness you find titillating, and who usually do the approaching that you love so much, are like a short burst of flame. And don't kid yourself that they don't leave scars. Your choice is whether you want a relationship for the long haul or a not-so-cheap thrill. If it's marriage to a person with character, one who will be your life's partner, it's time to mine different waters, ladies. There is a universe of wonderful, strong, exciting men who hold down important jobs, have great friends--they're just on the shy side when it comes to meeting new women. Trust me, they are dying for you to walk over. If you choose hold their shyness about approaching against them, you are really missing out. The stories in Grab Your Tiger should convince you--and so should mine. After being single for over four decades, I approached a shy guy (not my usual style--I was more comfortable being the prey of the glib, slick lotharios with good game). But by age 46, I was sick of relationships that burned out because I was more focused on style than substance. So I flipped the script and initiated contact with a cute, shy guy at my gym. I quickly discovered that he was anything but dull. I started dating him and two years later, he proposed. So at 49, I got married--for the first time--and after five years, I'm still nuts about him. Trust me, still waters can run deep--and wild!
Bottom line: You can still take a passive role and get the guys you like come over to you (remember, lots of flirting signs, over and over), but why not double your odds of meeting someone special by doing at least some of the initiating yourself?
You hold your romantic fate
in your hands. Go for it!
GRAB YOUR TIGER
How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture
the Men of their Dreams will show you how.
You'll discover subtle, funny, clever and outrageous ways to break the ice--in the words of women who did it successfully and are now happily married.
FREE GIFT!
FREE 7-page
E-report:
Ten Great Ways to Break the Ice
plus
Top 10 Signs a Man is Attracted to You
DELIVERED TO YOUR MAILBOX WITHIN 24 HOURS OF YOUR ORDER.
What men have said about their unwillingness to make a move--even when they’re interested in you:
"I don’t have the energy to play games and I’m not a mind reader. No way to tell if she's smiling cause she likes me or cause she thinks my face looks funny."
"These days an uninvited expression of interest could result in harassment charges. When I sit in Central Park I watch as guys cross the big lawn to approach the girls lying in the sun and I get creeped out before the exchange even begins. It’s hard to hit on women because you can never tell how you come across and how it is being received."
“Lately, I've been going up to women who I am dead certain are flirting with me. When I walk over, they act as if I have leprosy. Fed up with games."
“The women I go for are usually out of my league. No way I can keep up so why bother?”
“There are plenty of guys around her whenever I see her at my gym—she doesn't need one more."
“I’m great in business but a total wreck around strangers, of the female variety; unless she has a sign on her forehead that says 'talk to me', I hang back.”
“I just don't dig women who play the come and get me game. You go for the same jobs as I do, so you should also take some of the risks when it comes to making contact with someone you dig. I guess I'm in a rebellious phase."
“She’s wearing a ring.” (Many men assume a ring on either hand means you’re engaged or married. Best to keep finger jewelry to a minimum.)
“She looks angry—I mean she's cute and I'd go over to her but she looks like she doesn’t want anyone near her.”
Bottom line:
Don't let a good guy get away because he’s anxious, distracted or because he has no clue you like him.
Read some of the stories on this website for inspiration— there are even more in Grab Your Tiger. Then, go for it!
:: ARTICLE ::
Three out of four men have no clue when you are flirting with them! This daunting bit of research comes from social scientist Richard Bandler and it should be of great interest to all you hair twisting, lip licking females out there. Simply put, a few provocative gestures are not enough to get an interested guy off his keister and into your personal space. So what’s a girl to do?
Read more >
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GRAB YOUR TIGER
How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture
the Men of their Dreams
$19.95
Actual stories by 110 women who used honest declarations, clever ruses, deft manipulations--and even the occasional bold-faced lie, to meet and marry great guys.
Not one author's opinion, but real-life ways that actually worked for 110 women of different ages and life circumstances.
Want to turn your platonic relationship up a few notches or get on the radar of a cute guy who doesn't know you exist? Buy this book and you can do it this week!
Your FREE GIFTS with order:
7-page
E-report: Ten New Ways to Break the Ice
plus
Top 10 Signs a Man is Attracted to You (According to Scientific Research)
DELIVERED TO YOUR MAILBOX WITHIN 24 HOURS OF YOUR ORDER.
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EXCERPT from
Grab Your Tiger
“So, I gathered my courage and walked in...Well, guess what? I was stood up on my first blind date!”
Read a true story by Margo Hetrick of Englewood, Colorado
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| People Are Saying: |
| "My whole life I've been terrified of walking over to a guy to say hello. But there's this fellow in the coffee shop I couldn't stop thinking about. He looked shy and I knew he wasn't going to do anything...
Reading Grab Your Tiger gave me the courage--and the words--to make small talk. It was an awesome feeling. He just gobbled up the attention. A few days later he asked me to lunch. We've been dating two months and we're going strong. Thanks!!"
Pauline Generosa, Chicago, Illinois |
When 500 men were interviewed, the majority claimed they're confused about their role as aggressors, now that women have become more independent and self-sufficient .
What's a single woman seeking love to do?
Get out there and make the first move, herself! |
Did You Know?
The vast majority of men find confident, assertive women a turn on!
An online poll of nearly 10,000 males revealed that 93% would love to have a female approach them first!
From page 3 of Grab Your Tiger
“I met my tiger when I was well into middle age—something of a miracle according to social scientists who, back in the Eighties declared women over forty unmarriageable pariahs. Throughout my dating years, I’d clung desperately to men who offered me very little but seemed an easy antidote to being alone. One gem in particular was in my life for nine years until I finally realized, with some therapy, that I deserved better. Only where were the decent men, now that I was ready?” |
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"I didn't know
what to do or say.
But I knew
how I needed
to feel,
and I wanted
to feel numb."
Faced with losing the man of her dreams, this woman rallied into action. Read what she did, from the pages of Grab Your Tiger>>
GRAB YOUR TIGER CONTEST
WIN $500!
Did a story in Grab Your Tiger inspire you to make the first move and now you have your own interesting story to tell of how you grabbed your guy?
If so, we'd love to hear about it. You could win $500 and the chance to be profiled in a major magazine or newspaper if your story is selected. You must be over eighteen and have plans to marry within the next eighteen months. We will also accept submissions from women who have recently married (within the last year) as a result of making the first move.
Click here for contest details. |
Finding a great
relationship
is like pursuing
promotion at work:
Would you sit by
and let
your
co-worker grab it,
or
would you go after it?
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According to scientists at Stanford University in California, nowadays most men are just too shy to flirt. Kate Fox, director of the Social Issues Research Centre in Oxford, says that part of this fear of flirting "is caused by overzealous political correctness, which has come out of concerns about sexual harassment". Men who were once bewitched are now merely bothered and bewildered by the whole flirting ritual. Some of them are so bewildered that they have completely lost their touch. When the magazine Maxim asked its readers what they felt when they saw women laughing, nearly a third thought the women were laughing at them. Not even with, mind you, but at. |
:: ARTICLE ::
Are you in a Relationship
Hint: You Shouldn't Have to Ask
Many months into dating the man who became my husband, we were having such a good time that he suggested a little trip. Fares to Europe were at an all time low, the weather was getting warmer and so, he asked, how about a long weekend in London? What followed was a heady elixir of walks through Hyde Park, a stop at Claridges’ and the ‘veritas’ that comes with a second glass of vino. Suddenly I found myself spontaneously gushing about how comfortable I was with him--and with our relationship. In less than a nanosecond, there was an audible hush in the room. He tightened his lips, and with the look of a man in the throes of severe constipation, he blurted out, ‘Well, it’s a little soon…I uh…I wouldn’t call this a relationship …um…We’re just having a good time.’
Read more > |
